Friday, November 11, 2016

Dear the me five years ago

Dear me five years ago, 

You are still ablaze from a spark, from your missions trip in the summer. You are gearing up to go back, and you feel a call to full time missions. A few things you need to know…. 

You are going to learn new levels of redemption, that you have crossed off the list, threw in the towel and say, “Nope, never.” You will stop and look at your husband, and sometimes cry at times because you never knew it would be like this. You never knew redemption would be this amazing with such an incredible husband. 

You will learn orphan care, orphan prevention, foster care, racism, transracial relationships, and transracial adoption is so complex, and filled with loss. You will learn you were never the first choice, and the children who call you mom, call you mom from a deep place of loss. You will change your mind on things, you never even had to consider before. Things like white privilege, systematic racism, micro aggressions. You will start listening to adult transracial adoptee’s and question yourself, and take some deep hard looks at yourself. You will look at things, consider things, you never had to consider before. Because of your white privilege you never had to consider these things. Now you do. 

You will learn love on some new levels. Love that rips out your heart. Love that doesn't love back. Love that puts you in the raging fires and allows all the crap to surface, and you will have to face wounds, and hurts, and choose to forgive and heal again and again and again. Love that allows others to struggle too, and learn to solve problems. Love that does what is best for someone which isn't always what feels good, but in the long run, is the hard deep lessons of life. You will start to wonder who it hurts more to say no sometimes. 

You will be a single mom for many years, and you will often have everyone in your home upset with you for one thing or another all at the same time. (Even the dog, when you make her go outside when she is annoyingly begging too much!) 

Those things people think that magically disappear on the missions field. You will find the exact opposite. They are magnified. And some days your emotions will be so strong, and everything around you so intense, you will fill like you are choking on your own breath. 

You will get over yourself, and learn you cant save anyone and were never intended too. . . . 

You will do so many things scared and alone. That you will be desperate for friendship, yet start to wonder if you even know how to have a normal conversation with your own culture. You will be that purple person. (if America is red world, and your host country blue world, you dont become blue, and you will never again be red, you turn into a purple person. And it can be kind of confusing!) 

You will get hurt and discouraged. You will want with all that inside of you to go home, and with all that is inside of you, to dig your feet deeper into the foreign familiar soil. 

You will wonder if you should keep messaging, calling, and checking Skype for those you miss. You will wonder what relationships are worth the hurt of pushing past the cultural differences, the miles, the time differences. You will feel like you are endlessly reaching out to connect to your passport culture. You will hate to admit, that you wonder if many have forgotten you. 
You will both anticipate your next furlough, and dread it. You know you will be so overwhelmed, excited, confused, and homesick on a level you never knew before within a a week. 

You will wonder if God is all sufficient. And you will feel horrid for wondering that. You will question, wrestle, and root your faith deeper than you knew. 

You will wonder why you moved halfway across the world to do these things, when you could have been doing them in your home country all along. 

You will write this, while listening to your husband play with the kids, as he always lets you sneak off to the bedroom after dinner, while he plays with the kids, does bedtime stories, brushes teeth, and reads another two or three stories, and at the same time see pictures on Facebook that make your heart so divided and confused. 

And you will remind yourself what you tell your kids….. what you tell the moms and caretakers in the program………

“An easy life is not always a good life, and a hard life is not always a bad life.” And you will thank God for the struggle. Because it is the struggle to emerge from the caccon, that strengthens the butterflies wings to fly. And struggle isn't always such a bad thing. 

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