Friday, November 11, 2016

Dear the me five years ago

Dear me five years ago, 

You are still ablaze from a spark, from your missions trip in the summer. You are gearing up to go back, and you feel a call to full time missions. A few things you need to know…. 

You are going to learn new levels of redemption, that you have crossed off the list, threw in the towel and say, “Nope, never.” You will stop and look at your husband, and sometimes cry at times because you never knew it would be like this. You never knew redemption would be this amazing with such an incredible husband. 

You will learn orphan care, orphan prevention, foster care, racism, transracial relationships, and transracial adoption is so complex, and filled with loss. You will learn you were never the first choice, and the children who call you mom, call you mom from a deep place of loss. You will change your mind on things, you never even had to consider before. Things like white privilege, systematic racism, micro aggressions. You will start listening to adult transracial adoptee’s and question yourself, and take some deep hard looks at yourself. You will look at things, consider things, you never had to consider before. Because of your white privilege you never had to consider these things. Now you do. 

You will learn love on some new levels. Love that rips out your heart. Love that doesn't love back. Love that puts you in the raging fires and allows all the crap to surface, and you will have to face wounds, and hurts, and choose to forgive and heal again and again and again. Love that allows others to struggle too, and learn to solve problems. Love that does what is best for someone which isn't always what feels good, but in the long run, is the hard deep lessons of life. You will start to wonder who it hurts more to say no sometimes. 

You will be a single mom for many years, and you will often have everyone in your home upset with you for one thing or another all at the same time. (Even the dog, when you make her go outside when she is annoyingly begging too much!) 

Those things people think that magically disappear on the missions field. You will find the exact opposite. They are magnified. And some days your emotions will be so strong, and everything around you so intense, you will fill like you are choking on your own breath. 

You will get over yourself, and learn you cant save anyone and were never intended too. . . . 

You will do so many things scared and alone. That you will be desperate for friendship, yet start to wonder if you even know how to have a normal conversation with your own culture. You will be that purple person. (if America is red world, and your host country blue world, you dont become blue, and you will never again be red, you turn into a purple person. And it can be kind of confusing!) 

You will get hurt and discouraged. You will want with all that inside of you to go home, and with all that is inside of you, to dig your feet deeper into the foreign familiar soil. 

You will wonder if you should keep messaging, calling, and checking Skype for those you miss. You will wonder what relationships are worth the hurt of pushing past the cultural differences, the miles, the time differences. You will feel like you are endlessly reaching out to connect to your passport culture. You will hate to admit, that you wonder if many have forgotten you. 
You will both anticipate your next furlough, and dread it. You know you will be so overwhelmed, excited, confused, and homesick on a level you never knew before within a a week. 

You will wonder if God is all sufficient. And you will feel horrid for wondering that. You will question, wrestle, and root your faith deeper than you knew. 

You will wonder why you moved halfway across the world to do these things, when you could have been doing them in your home country all along. 

You will write this, while listening to your husband play with the kids, as he always lets you sneak off to the bedroom after dinner, while he plays with the kids, does bedtime stories, brushes teeth, and reads another two or three stories, and at the same time see pictures on Facebook that make your heart so divided and confused. 

And you will remind yourself what you tell your kids….. what you tell the moms and caretakers in the program………

“An easy life is not always a good life, and a hard life is not always a bad life.” And you will thank God for the struggle. Because it is the struggle to emerge from the caccon, that strengthens the butterflies wings to fly. And struggle isn't always such a bad thing. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

My Rwandan mom

She lives near one of the moms and babies in the program. 

One day, she approached me. 

She told me she loved me for what Jesus does with me.

She asked me about my mom. I told her my biological mom passed. 

But I have had many moms along the way. 

She asked me if I had a mom here. I said no. 

She told me "Then I will be your mom!" 

"You will visit me when you can, and I will teach you old Rwandan games, 
and how to cook old traditional foods, and teach you old proverbs." 

I smiled and accepted her offer and asked what can I bring, as is culture. 

She threw her head back in laughter and said "I dont have enough teeth 
to chew!" 

Her stories are heavy with wisdom and experience. 

Her hands wrinkled and soft, and her touch tender and sincere. 

Meet Rose (Rosa) my Rwandan Mama. 

I never want to snap pictures, out of respect. 

Today we swung by during home visits, and today she asked me 
if I would get our picture and print it out for her. So she can 
remember her new Rwandan daughter. 

She wants me to teach he some English, and she is teaching me
proper and old Kinyarwanda. 

I have yet to learn the games, but she jokes I have yet to bring her 
something she can chew. 

Thursday, November 3, 2016

A couple changes....

You might notice some changes on this blog.

This blog is about to get a whole lot more personal.

We have been trying to separate home and ministry to a certain extent. Of course we do ministry all the time, be it reading bedtime stories, answering all the deep spiritual question that never came up all day, but suddenly need answering at bedtime. And sometimes its the phone calls, and hospital visits.

Right next door to our house is our office, and right behind the office is the transitional house. And were trying to separate our home life from our full time ministry, as we still snuggle into this whole family life, and married life.

So we have made a separate blog for ministry! Here  
And we even made a separate Facebook page for the ministry..... Here 

On this blog you will find the crazy happenings in our life.
Or perhaps a place for me to just vent about the lack of M&M's.
Or share what the Lord is doing and teaching me.
Or how I stuck my foot in my mouth....again.
Or how if I ever did write a book it would be called doing it scared, because most things terrify me. and if I didn't do life scared, I probably just wouldn't do life at all!

I hope you go and follow the new blog, and like the new Facebook page, so you dont miss out on all that the Lord is doing in this ministry. (because lets be honest, apart from him, I can do nothing, we can do nothing. Praise God it is not about this socially inept, awkward, yucky past girl. But it is ALL about God. Its not about how good we are, its about how good HE is. Its not about what I can do, its about what he can and did do!!)

We can't do a blog post without some pics.....

My husband and a dear friend preached at a church last Sunday in
one of the villages a mom in our program live in. 
I kept telling my husband, I couldn't wait to watch them climb
the mountain to church. ;) 

I have a thing with gazing out windows at the rolling hills.
Even church windows. Obsession. 

I was so proud of my husband and his obedience to Christ,
his heart to see others come closer to Christ, and minister! 

School is out for summer! So we had the obligatory yay dinner out.
So of course it was a photo shoot, duh! 

Seriously, it was just the other day she fit into 4-5 year old clothes.
I told her I was going to have one of our night guards start
following her around. Any boys talk to her, my guards will step in. ;) 

Guys, this just captures our family so well. There is just something
I love about real family pictures. This is us y'all! 

Flora in all her awesome Floraness. 

There is a new restaurant in Gisenyi we are so in love with. We ended up playing some
games while waiting for our food to come, and introduced the girls to smoothies! 

I had a mocha latte. My heart is still all a flutter. 

We all went into some form of food coma! 

Guys if you cannot appreciate this picture, I'm not sure we can be friends.
A veggie sandwich, with a beet and goat cheese salad. 

My little salad lover, wanted to get half a chicken sandwich and a baja
california salad. I love that she loves her veggies! 

And to end our celebratory dinner out, a cookie and milk coma for the mini man.