Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Dear 22 year old me, dont kill yourself......
Dear 22 year old me,
I remember you well, because sometimes I still catch glimpses of you. I wanted to tell you a few things that are going to shock and surprise you.
Soon things are about to get a lot worse than you thought they could. I know there are certain occasions in your life, that emotional memory is so strong, that you have set out so deeply to never replicate that feeling in your life, and dug your heels in to make sure you never make someone else feel that way either. Soon, you will take Xanax because some of the memories, the hurts, are going to make you want a little relief. But that one Xanax, is going to drive you to get a screw driver and bust open a locked box of your medication, and you will take every single pill inside. Because right now you are living in a transtional living program, after your time of homelessness. You will determine in a moment of emotion, that this temporary pain is too much, and you would rather take a chance with whatever happens after death and take every pill you got.
You will wake up in the ICU, restrained to the bed, the date written on a dry erase board in the corner. This will be one of those moments that will be so strongly ingrained in your heart and soul that you do not want to duplicate, nor want anyone else to ever feel. When you wake up, you are going to hear lots of beeps, and the ventilator. You will be aware, and go to speak and realize you can’t because of the tube down your throat breathing for you. When you realize you cannot speak, you will go to lift your hand to see what it is, and realize you are restrained to the bed, and can’t lift your arms or sit up. Your eyes will dart around the room, you will see the date on the dry erase board with the name of the nurse. You will panic, and begin to slam your wrist against the metal rail of the bed, to get someones attention. The next couple weeks you will battle many things, and curse the hospital again and again for saving your life. They will try to take you off the ventilator, and you will feel a rush of panic as you cannot breath, the nurse will tell you she is going to put something in your IV, and when you wake up, the tube will be back in your throat. You will have aspirated charcoal into your lungs, you will battle phenomena, you will beg your family back in IL to come, and they won’t. You will always remember a random intern, who sat by your bed, when you had a fever, and put a cold washcloth on your forehead, and just held your hand. You will remember those who held your hand. And you will also want to replicate that.
You will be so scared at times, you sleep with a knife under your pillow, and the dresser against the door. You will live in a group home, and count all the ways, it doesn’t feel like a home. You will be admitted and traumatized. You will watch the door during visiting hours and hold your breath, praying….hoping…begging…. someone would come to see you.
I wish I could hold you right now, younger me. I wish you knew, that all these things, would one day be used for Gods glory. Your arms, the scars. Oh how many times, you will roll up your sleeves, or a child on another continent will kiss those scars. Even a friends young foster child, who self harms, will identify with those scars, and instead of doors closing, some of those scars will open doors.
You will one day, buy a one way ticket, and not have a stinking clue what in the world you are doing, to move to Africa. But things will be different. But some of these things that made you, you. They are still so deeply ingrained into you. The memories are still so strong, even now at 35.
You will become determined to hold a hand, on a hospital bed. You will see some, others will write off, and you will get angry that they wrote them off, dig in your heels, and refuse to budge from hope. You will snicker a bit, when “professionals” say things like “They will always be sick” and remember the time you were on SSDI, because they thought the trauma of your life, was so deep, that you would never be self sufficient. So you will smirk a bit, and agree, but you will refuse to see the reality, and trust what Gods possibilities are.
You will even find the love of your life in Africa, and all the things you never thought you would find your life, you will be in awe of.
I know its hard right now young me. I know right now, you long for something to call your own. You are so tired of living outside your comfort zone, scrambling to find one. To find one day, comfort zones are severely over rated, and you will end up living your life, feeling more uncomfortable getting too comfortable! You will get out of that ICU bed, and you will OD all over again.
You will struggle just to catch your balance. You will question others choices over your life. You will question your own value, and try to determine weather you are valuable enough to live or not. You will have those who will refuse to walk away, and always have a place for you at the table. Just so you know, they still do. They have still stuck around. Your church family, the ones who come to pick you up at the group home…… that church will still be home. And walking in those doors will stir so much in you, and impassion you so much, because it reminds you of your roots. It reminds you, of those who didn’t give up on you. It reminds you of rest. It reminds you of hope. It reminds you of where you began to trust in the one true die for love of your life. Jesus Christ.
You will learn, that nothings lasts forever. Even now you have to remind yourself of that, when you find yourself scared half a world away from anything familiar. When your scared, anxious, overwhelmed, those feelings must pass. No one feels overwhelmed 24 hours a day. That heightened emotions must pass, as will the good ones. You will begin to learn to trust in what you have learned to be truth, and walk more by faith, because you will learn how your emotions can lie. How your emotions can crash over you. You will learn you do not have to stay in them, or let them define you. You will learn to acknowledge them, allow yourself to feel them, and then allow them to recede. You will tell others its OK to feel these same things, and plead with them to validate their own emotions, because you know that, that wave will continue to crash over and over them, till they do.
You will open your table, and change the rules. You will open your doors, and your heart. You will pray some of your deepest, passionate, intense prayers on the back of motto’s zooming through the land of a thousand hills.
You will bless those who saved your life. You will want to go back and thank each and everyone of them.
I know right now it is bumpy. And I do not think the Lord brought it, but I know sweet scared girl, that the Lord will use it. You will get up on those shaky legs, and not just learn to walk, but fly halfway around the world. You will know the power of love.
I wish you knew right now, how all that you are going through, will be used for something bigger than you. I want you to know, that another day, you will surrender. Truly surrender to Christ. It will be yet another one of those days, moments, etched into your heart and soul. And as you bring piece by piece your brokenness to Christ, he will weave it into something beautiful.
Daily you still bring him those broken pieces. Grace, upon grace, upon grace. Even now, as you remember what Christ has brought you through, remember even now, those strong demanding emotions and situations. The Lord will use them for His good.
The anniversary is coming up. . . . when you OD’ed on all those Xanax. The day, you had no idea, your life was really just beginning. Younger me, I am so glad you lived. I am so glad it was in the ambulance you stopped breathing, not before no one made it to you. And all these times where you feel like you cannot find a place to belong. You never will, and one day……. one day, you will embrace your citizenship is in heaven, and not a single one of us were made for this world. We are simply passing through, and our real place of belonging is in Christ.
Hold on, its about to get a whole lot worse, scarier, happier, fearful, anxious, amazing, and incredible. Your life is just beginning. So when that nurse comes in and explains all the tubes, machines….. hold onto hope. Hold on tight. Even if no one comes, when you beg them to, because you are scared. It will inspire you to show up, and step up, and step in. Girl, you are in for the ride of your life………
35 year old me