Sunday, September 28, 2014

From home to home and back home again.

You know how you can set the mood? We can set the mood to foster our anger, to blow on the embers of a injustice or even a greivence till it is a burning inferno. We can also foster a mood of forgiveness in ourselves. We can set the mood for our day, set the mood for our emotions.

This morning I set the mood for a good long hard cry. Not the sniffle kind of cry. The grab the whole roll of toilet paper out of the bathroom, immerse myself in it, my face in leaking kind of cry.

Maybe it doesn't help that I am back on steroids. Or that it seems like I have broken more things in the last two-three days, than I have in years put together! Maybe the embers started with the blood shot eyes and jello muscles from lack of sleep. Or that finally when I was in a deep sleep I was awoken to a two year old crying in the night, threw in the towel, and decided to stop trying to even sleep.
I got up and started to check emails. And there was a email from a website for encouragement for women overseas. I found myself on their website reading article after article. Wanting more than 2-D relationships, maintaining relationships overseas, and the list goes on and on. That's when the little sniffles started. Then I started looking up worship songs that really speak to me. And cue the messy cry session!!

So I started thinking in the wee hours of the morning in my lack of sleep state. As I prepare probably for my longest time back in the states since I hunkered down and called this place home. (yeah, its less than two months, I know. But I know a week in, my heart will be so homesick for here!) A few things, I want people to know, in this crazy two continents are home life.

1. A series of goodbyes
I live in constant series of goodbyes. No matter where I am, there are tight embraces, tears shed, unexplainable joy at the sight of you, who I haven't seen in who knows how long. But I always know, there is a goodbye coming around the corner. I miss you and will miss you again. Your life will go on, as will mine. Things always have a way of settling back into the routine. And after we have felt tears drip on each others shoulders in a embrace of goodbye, I will start the process all over again with the next person. The joy, the tears, the goodbye.

2. Time
I wish I could spend every minute, with every person, in every state, that I love so dearly for every stinkin' moment I am home Which I am starting to wonder which town, state, village, country, or continent is "home". Please know that when I don't get to spend as much time as we both would like together, it hurts me too. Please don't make it any harder, more complicated, than it has too be. If I could, we would hunker down in front of the fireplace with coffee in hand, and talk till our jaws fall off.

3. I am a bit shell shocked
I remember my first trip back to the states. I went to WalMart a few days in, and wandered around that place like I had just crawled out from under a rock. I could have bought everything and nothing, it was more the experience. When I walk into church, I am processing and going through a thousand different emotions. That joy of seeing faces that I have done life with, grown with, and my heart aches for. Yet, I am processing all the emotions of the vastness of it all. I am going through a bit of culture shock along with the vast joy of seeing you. If I seem a bit short, or awkward Well lets be honest, I have always been a bit awkward. Please remember I am trying to process a thousand things in one moment and am shifting from a dozen emotions in just a short time. If we go to the new huge mall that has kids walking ropes on the ceiling, dazzling lights, a zillion stores and even more places to eat, or things to choose to eat, or buy, or sit on, or do. I mean games in restaurants, arcades, kids walking ropes on the ceiling. I love being with you, but I spend 95% of my time in a foreign country, and this is like a bit out of a strange dream. This is no longer my norm, and it might take me a bit to get a bearing on my processing through it.

I cannot explain my joy of coming to my other home soon. So many necks I cannot wait to hug, till I might be slightly choking you. But I am always sort of preparing myself. I know that I will walk into the church and be so overwhelmed with joy and excitement, and always somehow find myself in the stall of the women's bathroom crying. I am trying to find out why I am crying! Am I overwhelmed with the joy, am I sort of in a culture shock? I guess I will never be able to answer that as my heart is shifting between so many emotions so rapidly. I guess part of me is preparing myself for the whole experience again.

With all that said, I cannot wait to see you. But if I nearly knock you over with a hug, or I walk around a bit shell shocked in WalMart. Honestly, what I want more than anything is to see you! I love the tiny coffee shop, a cup of coffee, and just to chat. And when you honestly want to hear the crazy stories of life, it helps my heart process on a different level. Weather its a silly story of being caught during the remembrance in a downpour and sharing a little spot out of the rain with a chicken. Or stories of how Moses and Rebecca are growing up, and how proud I am of them! What means more than a mall, food, anything, is YOU. And I want to know all about your stories, your life, since we last sat down together with a hot cup of coffee and chatted. I want to know all about your adoption process, your empty nest, your new little person, job promotion, and the little things driving you crazy. Time with you means more than a million things.

A heart preparing,
Tina

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