Thursday, June 5, 2014

Whatever I have is yours Lord. . . . .

I never graduated high school..... never walked down a aisle to receive a diploma. I did however get my GED. Quiet shocked may I add, because I just went for a practice run with the tests to see what I needed to work on, and passed em all!

I never went to prom, and had the corsage around my wrist.

Heck never dated in my life. Never been interested actually, and dont think I ever will be.

I lived in a group home for a few years.

I have lived in a SAF house.

I have lived on the streets, scared out of my mind, sleeping and hiding from people. I saw the eyes diverted, I saw how badly they didnt want to see you, so instead I just made it easier on them and myself, and hid most the time. Unable to stay in a homeless shelter, and bound determined to make it on my own... I dug my heels in the ground.

I have never won a beauty contest.

My arms are riddled with careless scars, from self harm. I started to self harm way before it was ever discussed, many many years passed before I even had a name for it, or heard it ever mentioned. I was 6, and stood at the top of the stairs, and leaned forward and let myself tumble down. I broke fingers. I slammed my wrist hard against the door frame. It wasn't till middle school till I began to "cut". Carelessness in the midst of being high, drunk, or overdosed, I didn't care or realize any longer where I was doing it. And now my story remains evident. I notice people staring at my arms from time to time, at the scars. And I live in a country now, where if you get offended easily.... well, you better pack up and go home, or just crawl in a hole and never make your presence known.

I have more knowledge about drugs than I care to ever admit. I have peered out a window, paranoid, sniffing, from cocaine...... worried the police, or someone I didn't want to disappoint would show up at the door.

I have no college degree hanging on my walls. I have no high school diploma. I have no pictures of me in a pretty white dress. I have no high school proms pictures. I have no newborn pictures from the hospital of the kids who call me mom.

Why do I say all this? Because we all have SOMETHING, we can do, have something to give. It took some time, for me to have enough faith to crawl out of some pretty deep pits. Now sometimes when I think on the past, or even sometimes when I catch my own eyes glancing down on the scars. It doesn't feel real. I don't feel like that was my life at all. Because that is not who I am today, and it is so far removed from who I am now, my dreams, desires, hopes, and aspirations, I wonder who that was, that was stuck in those places.

I love to cook, and think I am alright at it. So to the glory of God, I will cook. I can use that, to bless someone. Maybe a tired single mom. Perhaps a elder who works full time, and rushes home to set up for bible study, and his wife is exhausted. I can bring their family dinner, so it is one less thing off their plate. (figuratively). I can cook, because it always tastes better when someone else cooks it. So I will cook to the glory of God.

I love kids, and have always had a way to be around them. So to the glory of God, I will be present, I will invest, I will tuck in, kiss booboo's, sing songs, kneel down after a time out, give and recieve the hugs, rub my tired eyes, and go to the crying child in the middle of the night. To the glory of God I can teach, invest, and love on the little's in front of me.

I love to sew. So to the glory of God, I can use that to encourage people. Weather it is a quilt, a cross stitch. As I sew, praying for them. To the glory of God I can sew.

I used to wait, till I thought I had something to offer. But I have always had something to offer. We always have something to offer. There is a lot I am not, but there is a lot that I am. Not because of anything in me. But because my God is so big, so loving, so just, so merciful, and so full of grace. That whatever I do have, I want to use to honor him. My voice my crack sometimes when I speak up. My hands may tremble when I am in any kind of group of people. But we have something to offer. And I don't want to wait to offer what I do have to my God. I want to love people, because he loved me so much, at my lowest points. I want to love people when they deserve it the least, because heaven knows that's when I needed it the most in my own life.

If we wait for the money to be there, before we take a leap of faith, we never will. If we wait for someone who is worth investing in, to invest in someone, we never will. If we wait till we think our gift is worth giving to give it, we never will. Whatever it is you possess right now, this instant, is what was given to you, to invest, to the glory of God.

Colossians 3:23
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters."

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