Sunday, August 11, 2013

If I was being honest, it just might sound a little like this.

Pull up a chair, grab a cup of coffee, while Moses is still napping and we have some time uninterrupted. And.....

If I was being honest with you I would tell you......

I cannot even put into words, the feeling of home when I came back early to Rwanda. I cannot even tell you the emotions that enveloped my heart when the plane touched ground on Rwandan soil, and all my heart and mind could think is "I'm home!" I cannot express to you what overtook this mama's heart to look at Moses sleeping in the crib next to my bed, and the feelings that struck my heart harder, than the girls leaping through the air, and practically hanging on me.

I would tell you, that even a day after that, the daily stresses has hit me. The chaos of getting girls where they need to go, things where they need to go, and counting the money I have to see how it can streach where it needs to go.

I would tell you, that has been one of my biggest stressors. Taking on the responsibility of others, and being mom. And being mom sometimes takes two loaves and some fish, and one very big God, and trusting in his economy, and his multiplication. Lets not even talk school supply lists right now.

I would tell you, that raw dependance on God is not so glamerous. Its a constant dying to yourself kind of life. And dying is usually not painless or easy, normally its painful and messy.

I would tell you, that I have never been so homesick before in my life, as I was to come home to Rwanda. Never experienced that level of homesickness here for the states.

I would tell you, that being a leader is not in my DNA. I am a much better follower than I am a leader. And that being in charge has never been on my bucket list, really it has probably always dwindled down the list of desires.

I would tell you, that as I have reflected on the past year in Rwanda, it has been some of the most lonesome, heart wrenching, streaching, times of my life. But as I look back, I see the most beautiful year of my life, and I see changes that could not have been forged outside the fires. I see a dependence, that has not always been pretty, but more like whining soemtimes, and more like a power struggle with the Lord, and more like death, than it was glamerous or sweet, or painless. But the most deepest, profound, beautiful changes I have ever experienced in my life. As I have learned in the depths of lonelyness that God is indeed all I need. As I have come to the throne room, more desperate and defeated than confidently with my fish in bread in desperate need of him to multiply it.

I would tell you, it has been so sweet to have Americans in the house. And it was a very lonely year prior, and the fellowship is so much sweeter than ever before. I would tell you how we were like children this morning, intrupting each other 100 times, so excited to share stories of what God has done, stories of the trails of the past few weeks, revelations, and just sharing life with each other.

I would tell you, I am forever torn. I know that my friends and family do not understand the trails and daily life I experience here. And I know the girls will never understand the trails and daily struggles in America. And sometimes I long for one world to understand the other, and know that it never will. And that makes me feel like a bit of a outsider both places.

I would tell you, my biggest fear now is if I someday have to leave my son. I wish I could tell you the emotions that I cannot legally adopt him, and honestly the fear I live in that I could loose him someday. That a birth relative could change their mind, and come for him at any time. And how so opposite that is of what the Lord has for me, of a peace that surpasses understanding, but how real it is.

If I was being honest, I would tell you, that my time in the states has given me such a fresh perspective, a appreciation. It cemented more than anything, that home is now on the other side of the world.

I would tell you, I cannot wait for the short term missions team for my church to come, and how insanely blessed I am to get to see two worlds collide. Though one world will never fully understand the other, I cannot wait to see the relationships form, the things God is going to do in and through this team, and to see these worlds embrace each other, learn from each other, and worship alongeside each other. Yeah, it just might be the cherry on the whip cream on the hot fudge sundae!

I would tell you, that I am who I am. I am not nearly where I should be, but I am where I am, only by the grace of God.

I would tell you, that I sometimes wonder why God put me here, and think of 100 other people who in my mind could do a better job than me. I would tell you some ugly things have surfaced in me from selfishness, frustrations, and past wounds, that never healed. And then I remember the word picture the Lord gave me of two pots. The one in tact, took more effort to retrieve what was inside. The cracked pot, what was inside flowed freely without reserve. And the realization that loves flows more freely from a heart that is broken and worn, not new and preserved.

If I was honest, I would tell you, how the tears flowed when God told me, that his intent was never to preserve my heart, but to shatter and break it. Because in that breaking, was I plyable and moldable. And in that brokeness was I willing, and usable. And the humility that comes when I realize I am trying to hold onto what he is trying to break.

If I was honest, I would tell you, this is hard and wonderful, and worth every ounce of myself I lay at the foot of the cross.

I would tell you, that every single time, I am at my wits end, and I think that the stressors of life, get to me and I am being crushed under the weight of it. And when I finally break and come running broken and defeated to God crying "I CANNOT DO THIS!" Is the moments he whispers to me "I never intended for you to carry this weight, it is not for you to bear. You cannot do it, I can, and it was never saposse to be you, but me." and the lightness I feel, when I allow him to remove that from me. And how it is a constant battle that I probably will never hit the mark on. But that I have been learning to come to God sooner and sooner, before I am crushed under the weight of what I was never created to bear. And after sometime of laying it down, I start to feel that weight bearing down on me again, and the cycle continues. And that he who has started a good work in me, will be faithful to complete it. Not because I am good, not because of any good deed, or failure. But simply because he is God, and I am not. Simply because, his love is so extravagant and good. And simply because I am sure he delights every time I stop, and let go, and allow him. Because he loves me too much to be crushed under a weight I was never created to bear.

If I was being honest, I would tell you, that Alice is still not back to her old self. And I do not like how sluggish she is, and how she just isn't her. She got some medications, and they should be helping soon, and I am so thankful this got done what needed to be done. But also the fear that is there hidden deep in my heart, that something might be severely wrong again, and how my heart is not sure it can do that one more time.

If I was being honest right now, it just might sound a little something like that. I might just cry from tears of joy, shed a few tears from brokeness, and a couple more might fall from being torn between two places. And it just might have sounded something like that, as I sighed a few times, and laughed a few times too.


Moses this morning after he stared at me smiling in bed for 5 minutes,
and he might have had goldfish crackers for breakfast.  
Broken, sealed, and loved,

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