Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Ponderings and pages changing.

Alot has been on my mind lately, as the dynamic of the house has went through a revolving door yet again. I stare at Moses almost everyday and wonder how he has grown up so fast. Five months home, and he is not only walking, but running, his personality blossoms more everyday. (Kid is HYSTERICAL!) Trying to get a thousand things marked off my to-do list, as well as thinking on the fact that in two weeks from now, my feet will be on American soil for a few weeks. It is a lot to ponder for this mind of mine.

Going back to the states to visit. Yesterday I called my pastor to verify he had gotten my itinerary for the short term team coming back with me, for two weeks. Excited to see my home church come to Rwanda, the excitement is just not even explainable. I called him from a packed, hot, I think we are all so sweaty we are sticking to the seats and each other bus. And sometimes you cannot articulate the words, that have been pondering in your heart, till sometimes you hear yourself saying them. "It is going to be so weird being back, or so I think. I have no idea. But I feel like God is going to have so much for me, back home this time. Last time I came to visit here, now parts of this culture have meshed into mine. It is home here, it feels like home. And I think now, that this has become home. It is going to really shine a light on life before Africa, and in Africa. It is going to be more of a contrast." I think I articulated it better on the phone. Perhaps crowded sweaty African buses help me to proccess thoughts better?

I cannot explain the excitement of getting to see everyone. My mind just cannot wrap itself around this. Yet, part of me knows, coming home will never be the same as it was before. That old saying "You can never go home." I have found has rung true in many different aspects in my life already in the past. And this time, its.....its just different. I have been a mix of so many emotions when I think of it. So many emotions on the spectrum. Including a bit of anxiety thrown in for good measure. Sometimes I think about it, on the back of a moto, in a crowded bus, running around town, and the excitement is so intense, I feel like I am just going to burst. And other times, I look at the girls and Moses, and think "I am going to miss home so much in a few days time." And I start to wonder if I should chop a few weeks off the time at home. I know this will probably be the rest of my life, torn between two countries. Torn between it all. And knowing and accepting that my heart will always be split between the two. It is a odd place to be, when your heart is so divided in that way.

And as my mind ponders so many things, as it always does. I am a INFJ, thinking is just always a mode our brains are switched too at all times. I have also been thinking on other things as I stare at Moses, as he runs around, says more and more words, gets more teeth, and adds more skills to his list all the time. It hits me everytime I go to the orphanage. When I see the kids his age there, and think of when he was in the orphanage, and where he is now. Everytime I go to room 2 now (where he would be if he was there), I cannot help but feel overwhelmed and think "This is where he would be." Do not get me wrong, they care for these kids as best they can. It is hard work, and my hats off to them, for what the house mama's do in a single day. But it is not plan A, it is not how it is suppose to be. Orphanages are never how it is suppose to be, no matter how hard they work, how much they care, it is not the way the Lord made it. It is always plan B. And I see the difference in my son, from his personality there, and now. Of course part of that is just coming with his age, and his personality just becoming more apperant. But everytime he does something, that comes with time with adopted children, my heart cheers, and my eyes water. Like the other day, we were all sitting outside working on the baskets. He would walk away a bit, and then return to me, Hug me, and look to me for reassurance. Then off he would walk a bit farther, and then come back to me, looking to me for reassurance. Kids do that with their parents, and with kids who grow up in a setting like a orphanage, it is a huge deal when they do that. It means they see you as the parent. It means they see you as the one who protects and cares for them. You alone, not a parade of people coming and going, and every adult a potential parent. Or when he meets someone new, and looks at me, the guage my response to that person, before offering his own. I often wonder how much his bonding to me, is because I met him at 3 weeks old, and then again when he was about 6 months, I was a daily face that showed up at the orphanage to see him. I wonder if that created the foundation of a bond for us, before he ever came "home". And if you are wondering because I get asked a lot, no he is not coming back to the states with me, as he cannot. I am fostering him, and cannot take him out of the country. And currently Rwanda is closed to international adoption, so the option of adoption is off the table. But as long as I can be in Rwanda, I will be here with him. If adoption is a option, I will jump on it faster than you can say the word "adoption." and if it doesn't, I will plant my happy self right here, till he is ready to start his own life away from his mama. (that day might break my heart in a thousand peices) But the girls and a American friend moving in, next week, will be caring for him while I am gone in the states.

My mind I guess has been stuck on contrasts lately. Trying to prepare my heart to be back in the states, and see so many in which my heart has missed, and my arms have ached to be thrown around in a hug that just might squeeze half the life out of those people. I am sure I am going to be the biggest emotional mess the first few days, just overwhelmed with the emotion of seeing everyone. I keep joking with my friend Lee, that when I see her on the other side of the security part, I might just stop, stare, and cry, and have to be coaxed through, overwrought with emotion. (Lee is the besty, and will probably hold that place for, well, forever. I miss us talking and saying "Me too!" a thousand times, because we are just two peas in a pod personality wise. Oh that girl, miss her!)

And I am anxious to see what the Lord has for me in this teeny little season. I am anxious to see what all is in store for this really over feeling heart of mine. And knowing things are going to be different when I come home again too. The dynamic of the house itself having changed yet again. And even friends in the area having gone back to the states, making that home again. Seeing my church get to love on the kids here, and get their hands dirty with Rwandan soil. I feel like it is the turning of the page. And being as sentimental as I am, those pages turning, always make me want to flip the page back, and just wander a bit longer on what God has done, how blessed that page was, and ponder the next page, before it is flipped, and the ink is ready to dry into new adventures on it.

I know for me it is just a visit, some changes in dynamics, and some awesome new relationships to be formed between home (US) and home (Rwanda). And I feel like I sit here on the verge of that page being flipped. And I just long to linger a bit on the previous page. On the pages of the jump and coming here. The raw dependance I have been blessed and forced to experience on God that I have never had before. The changes in me, in Moses, in everything. And wonder and dream a bit for the next page, before that page is flipped over way too fast.

Lots of love from Rwanda,

P.S. Alice's test results came back last week, and she tested positive for TB. I know it is weird to be sooooo excited for that. But when the word "cancer" had been whispered so much, this was a big cheer of joy. It is very easily treatable, and I cried like a big emotional mess when the DR told us the results. Cried in a big mess of relief and joy. Never before had I been so excited for someone to test positive for TB. God is so good.

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