Thursday, June 6, 2013
Waiting for the happy ending
I am sitting here writing this blog in a waiting room.
A surgical waiting room.
My sweet Alice is currently in surgery right now at King Faisal hospital.
I have been sleeping in her room next to her at night, sitting through tests,
watching ultrasounds, staring blankly at CT scans. Painting toe nails,
having movie marathons, listening to 10,000 reasons about 10,000 times, and a few
times, probably had some people mark me off
their list of favorite people, when the mama bear in me came out.
When we had to get things done, like pain management, and this mama's
heart just cannot stand to see anyone in pain.
Initially the discussion was a bowel obstruction, but after the ultrasound,
they saw a mass, and called me into the room for the second ultrasound, as they
pointed out 4 masses. They did a CT with contrast, and just showed me the same masses
in a different form, on a different snap shot.
I gotta tell ya, its been a pretty helpless feeling quiet a bit lately.
There are times
or possibly a tad of complete exhaustion mixed with no other option
you can breath, the scenarios seem to decide not to flood through your mind.
And there are times, in your humanness, you need something to fix.
Even if it fixing the blankets, chasing nurses to get the pain management a bit quicker
(sorry nurses I love ya, but when Alice is crying and nearly screaming, this mama MOVES!)
When you just have to do something, in a situation where you don't know what's going on,
where you can do nothing else but wait for someone else to talk to you, move, do something,
do the next test, give you some idea.
I have never wanted to entertain thoughts I have lately.
And I made a vow with myself last night, after talking to some dr's,
and kinda having a mini major meltdown. That I just needed to focus on the next thing.
The surgery. The now. Because when my mind races ahead of me, ahead of her,
it gets pretty scary people.
So far the dr's have spoken to me on everything, which has been hard too.
As it has left it up to me to explain to her what is going on.
And though she has English skills, and I have limited Kinyarwanda skills,
I do not know how to explain this to anyone.
And so I just have explained the next step, because I cannot let my mind go farther than that,
and I do not want her mind to go farther ahead than that.
Right now I just gotta see her wheeled down the hallway, to her room.
All her things we have here are there. And she is just down the hall in the surgical
theater. And perhaps I am writing this because I have to do something.
I think I have nagged every nurse, and every Dr who passes by, gone down to front desk,
and have nearly pulled out my hair, trying to find out what is going on.
I know God is going to use this to bring him Glory, crazy insane glory.
I look back and I see how God has just set up this safety net for her.
I see how the Lord loves her, like die to spend eternity with her, loves her.
(And in case your wondering, it goes for you and me too!)
It is incredible how he puts things in action, puts things right where they need to be.
I have no idea where this post is going, other than, it is what it is.
Other than this is what is going on.
And I want a happy ending. I really want a happy ending.
I want Alice to be returned to full and complete health and healing.
I have been claiming it, a lot.